I often start my week off getting really retrospective on Sundays. I don’t know why – but it just seems to happen that way.
I took a really long walk this afternoon with Shelby and listened to Anne Lamott’s new book “Hallelujah Anyway“. Excellent read/listen – I highly recommend it. Her thought pattern closely aligns with mine and how I can very quickly go down the rabbit hole of self doubt, loathing and just picking apart my actions piece by piece until there is really nothing left of me, aside from knowing I really need to fix things – and soon. This book is a great insight – she offers up the kind of comfort that comes with feeling like you are not alone. Like someone else’s head goes off the rails and books a cross country trip on the crazy train. I’d like to think that I am getting somewhere. Like, with each stop, I get off the train and learn a little. Sit and think a bit and then realize I have miles to go before I sleep. One thing I would love to accomplish before I leave this earth is to reconcile the inability to feel content with who I am. DO I even know? I do a lot of crap wrong (just ask my dad, he’ll tell ya) because of poor decisions. I feel like my life has been a grand series of fits and starts. I feel on the doorstep of SOMETHING, but who knows what. I am glad to realize that despite everything – I never give up. It didn’t always used to be like that, but it is now – and I believe that to be a grand accomplishment in itself. Those were the worries of my youth.
Seems like every Sunday ends up this way.
Is it because of church? I go to church and see my daughter and grandsons every Sunday for the most part. I look at my daughter – and how she is with her boys, and start thinking about forgiveness, and being non judgmental and how much I longed for approval in my heart and soul when I was raising my girls. Heck – even now on lonely days – but from only from one person. Now of course, that’s with the clear 20/20 vision of hindsight. I sure didn’t think I was in need of support back in the day! I was strong, capable, determined, righteous and on-course-full-speed-ahead-nothings-stopping-me-now-I-AM-WOMAN-HEAR-ME-ROAR! How do you know you’re doing that while your mired deep in the act of DOING? It’s blinding when you are just so POSITIVE you’ve got it all under control! Occasionally, I see my daughter doing that same thing. She is after all, my child. Also a product of HER childhood… Except, she’s SO much better at it. She lets herself screw up and is much better at forgiveness. SO MUCH better. I hope that she is doing that because of me, instead of … Well. anyway – what’s important is that it is so.
I am trying harder, each Sunday – or when these thought clouds descend upon me, to look at the situation in it’s entirety. Instead of only seeing the fault – heaven knows there is enough of that to acknowledge – and then not over doing the sugary sweet affirmations of approval to compensate, but to swing it all back around where it belongs. To remember that the first promise I made to myself at the beginning of this recent journey was to always come back to God. He is the only one that I can lay all of these doubts and sadness and pain on – and do it safely. Without shame.
John 14:27 “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. “
I go back to what the lord asks of me and find the weight – the awful weight of feeling time has been wasted – lifts. He does have something in store for me and all I need to do is the very best I know how and wait upon him. I won’t ever succeed perfectly, but His Grace has allowed me to do my best and I fully know he loves me despite my inadequacies – and I am learning that is how I want others to feel when they are around me. Accepted and cared for. Plus, I have found that when I verbalize the release – truly, fully hand it over to God – I do feel his peace. And that is a far better feeling than I have ever had at the end of the day of mulling over my past. When I am not sure where to start this process… I lift up the sleeve on my left arm, and read the passage in the picture above. I breathe deeply and re-center, and know that all is well.